I wanted to kill myself. Once again, I was so close. So close to doing it! I’m slightly angry! Then there are the thoughts of other people that aren’t here today. The people that probably wanted to live and it was ended for them. Yes, I understand that. That’s what’s kept me humble since I was about 12 years old. I’m tired, but I feel so selfish at the same time. I could go into the all the things that bother me, but what good would that do? I don’t want to talk to anyone. Why? I tried that. I have to be broken or something, right? WRONG. I’m perfectly fine. Just fed up with this place. It’s getting worse right before our eyes, and just like any other day, people continue to ignore it. You know about a year ago I was seriously going to do it. I was so determined. I’d spent the entire day thinking of ways to do it. For once, I didn’t think about anything else. Just what would be the most effective way.
I was prevented from going through with it. My anger turned into pain again. I was homeless, alone, and had no idea where I was going. I had no one just like now. Imagine, reaching out for help just for someone to tell you to suck it up or that you’d go to hell if you do it. OR imagine telling someone close to you that you were forced to visit a place for an attempted suicide and being told that “You are crazy in the head”. Imagine not having a chance to mess up your own credit and someone else does it for you and now you’re out there alone with nowhere to live. Nothing behind you to help you and no one to turn to. All you have is a little bit of hope.
I think about God every day. Every single day. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t alone, but I was. I’ve always felt like there has been a guardian in my presence since I was a child. It wasn’t until I got older that I believed it was something spiritual. Every panic attack, every moment that I tried to force myself to eat or feel pain, something was there calming me down. All I’ve wanted was love, but not the kind that people dream of daily. I wanted genuine love from family and friends. I wanted to be appreciated. I didn’t want to be abused mentally and physically. I didn’t want to be taken advantage of or bullied 24/7 for the DUMBEST reasons. I’ve spent my entire life fighting those terrible thoughts since they entered my head at the age of 11.
I’ve fought back every time up until last year in 2017. When it all went downhill. Now, its 2018 and it’s been a year since that happened and I was so proud of myself. I thought that things were fine. I had a place to live, a job, and people seemed like they cared. So, why do I still feel pain? Why does the pain from my past continue to haunt me? I pray every day for the nightmares to go away. They’re so VIVID! I’ve had nightmares since I was 4 years old. I have a very good memory just in case you’re questioning me. Though I wouldn’t mind sharing those with you, I’ll pass. I’ve felt alone my entire life! I’ve asked for help my entire life! No one has tried. I’m lonely. I’m so alone. All I’ve ever done is care for and stress about those around me. I gave each of them a part of me just to be abandoned. At least, that’s what it feels like. I’m really starting to see how losing my mother at 3 years old really affected me.
Death traumatized me at such a young age. I’ve always feared losing those in my family and those I cared about from that point forward. I witnessed my father arguing with my sister and never understood why. I adored him then, but he was barely there. Then one day he wasn’t there at all. I had my two sisters. I lived with one and the other one I saw a lot then it was barely as we both got older. I felt like any time I was told that I’d see her an excuse came up. I knew she loved me. They both did so much for me and I believed they never had to. So, I was appreciative. There were times when I felt like I really needed them though. So, the sister that i lived with, I knew she loved me, but it always felt like she hated me. I’ve felt like a burden since she decided to take care of me. I didn’t blame her for the how terrible the relationship used to be because I believed that I deserved whatever happened.
The only person I had 24/7 was my Granny (grandmother). She loved me the most. She showed it in everything that she did. I’ve never experienced a love like that since she left this world. To be honest, I’ll probably never experience it again. I had friends, but they weren’t good for me. I had a poor choice when it came to befriending others. I don’t blame that on anyone. I don’t blame any of my mistakes on anyone but myself. I’m not perfect. Even at a young age, I understood that my sisters and father had their own lives. They had their own things to deal with back then. So, I thought that keeping what I felt inside was the best choice.
I spent a lot of time by myself when I could. I was always called shy when I didn’t want to talk to anyone when that was never the case. It was so frustrating. I never talked because I didn’t know what to talk about. All I ever knew was the pain that I felt every day, and I didn’t know how to comprehend it back then. I didn’t know that me hyperventilating multiple times throughout the day was me having panic attacks. Or, me crying for hours throughout the day or trying to eat my feelings was depression. I was 11 when all of this started. I got tired of seeing those I loved being abused by those that I trusted. Try to understand being so young and not knowing any other way to express your feelings. I know many people have. Some just have no clue how to express it.
I used to witness all of the pain my family members felt, and I always stressed about them. Everything that happened to them affected me too. I was afraid to lose them like I lost my mom. Even as a child, I was afraid of being alone. I used to beg my sister to take me with her. I’d cry and scream, it was embarrassing really. I was called all types of things that meant “crazy”. I didn’t want to be left at home with my angry and abusive brother. He was abusive physically and mentally just like most people around me. When I tried to tell other people it was overlooked. People thought that it was just a sibling thing. After a while, I started to believe that I deserved everything that happened to me. I believed that I didn’t deserve to be loved. I believed that I didn’t deserve people in my life.
To be honest, I’m not sure how I stopped feeling that way, I just did. Ignoring my personal problems and feelings became so easy to do. Being in school all those years was terrible. I was only good at a few subjects. I didn’t have help. I only had people that got frustrated with me for not understanding. I just started to believe that I couldn’t do it. Being bullied and molested didn’t help neither. As I said before, I mastered ignoring all of the pain that I felt. It wasn’t until I was officially on my own that all of that pain came back to haunt me. Sleeping in a car and having nothing to do except think about your life will trigger that. I decided to give up then. That was last year. Then out of nowhere everyone “paid attention”. What people fail to realize is that these things aren’t done for attention. I wasn’t doing it for the attention of anyone else. I was numb and my mind was in such a dark place.
Policemen stopped me bc they were called. I gave up. People were telling me that they cared. I appreciated the person that called. I just wasn’t happy because I didn’t like that I put her through that. Someone took me in and believed in me for once. I got a job and somewhere to stay, but all of that pain still haunted me. Once again, I ignored it. I really thought that I could beat this stupid depression. I blame myself. I give my heart to those around me. I give them my time and attention. When I’m needed I try my best to be there, but I’m never appreciated. I never requested that same love back. I guess fear and pride had something to do with that.
So, here I am today, alone, confused, and sad. I feel tired. I’m tired of the physical health issues that I have. I’m tired of them being taken as a joke. I’m tired of people taking everything that I do as me being dramatic. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling the constant fear of not succeeding soon. I thought that if I had everything needed to be stable that it would erase the pain. That was wrong of me. I blame no one, but myself for all that’s happened to me. Freddy Mercury saved me last night. Sounds funny I’m sure, but I sat there listening to all the songs that I loved. The music helped…Queen’s music helped and I’m not sure why. Music is so beautiful to me. I’m so in love with it. All the emotional beauty that’s in every song. It’s therapy.
The only things that have been able to calm me through this were books and music. I believe in God. I believe in the universe. I’ve always felt the presence of something spiritual. These things calm me during storms like these. Writing is the only way that I can share this. I’ve always felt like telling someone. Now, I get to share it on this blog that’s pretty much an online journal. What’s going to happen now? I don’t know. I’ve shared so much. I really don’t want the love and attention from anyone right now. That’s not why I’m sharing this. Though, it does help me every time. I’ve always written my feelings down in journals and now I do it here sometimes. I guess I’ve grown tired of hiding all that I’ve felt for so long.
Well, I’ve shared of all of this and still no clue of what the future will be. I feel a little better letting it all out in a way. I’ll keep fighting. I don’t believe in doctors and places like that. I don’t believe in taking medication that numbs things temporarily. So, I’ll try my best to keep fighting. I’ve done it for this long. I don’t believe that I’m mental like someone has tried to tell me. I’m just very hurt and extremely in touch with my emotions. Also, I’m tired of that being taken as sensitive. Better yet I’m tired of sensitive people being overlooked or not taken seriously. Anyway, I’ll keep fighting because I have 5 beautiful children (nieces and nephews) in my life to keep fighting for. I love them so much. I’ll do it for them. I’ll try to care for myself more as well. That’s all I have to share for now… I know that it was a lot to read. S/o to you if you even made it this far.