2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries! · Uncategorized

blvgnyou.

When believing in something how strong is your faith? Do you give it all you got or do you give it what you can? Both are acceptable if you ask me. Sometimes, it’s necessary to do what is best for you. So, if you give it your all you can expect great results ALL THE TIME, right? Not likely. If you give it what you can, you can expect nothing, huh? WRONG. Sometimes, you can receive negative and positive results from both.

Life is full of lessons and each day you’re taught one whether you realize it or not. Sometimes, you’re taught the same lesson twice because you didn’t receive it the way you should’ve the first time. Sometimes, we’re granted chances and we’re able, you know? We’re able to try, learn and grow. I just feel like we should take advantage of these moments. It’s hard to follow my own advice sometimes which is why I like to share it with others.

So, I’m going to share what I feel/want. I want to grow. I want to learn as much as I can from this life. I want to accept the genuine love that’s in my present and future. I want to grow out of my sometimes petty ways and learn from the things that have happened in my life. Now, before I get too deep into my beliefs of life, I just want to say that life is a learning experience and leave it at that.

If we’re granted the blessing to grow old, wouldn’t you want to have learned as much as you can? Wouldn’t you want to have experiences like no other to share in the future? I would. I want to experience so much, but fear holds me back. How about you? I’m working on it. I’m working on ignoring those fears and ignoring my anxiety. I’m working on becoming better. Some days aren’t easy…to be honest the past couple of months have been the hardest. I feel like it’s all one big lesson though.

I know how easy it is to tell someone what they SHOULD do. Let’s be honest with ourselves, that doesn’t work all the time. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe in yourself. Sometimes it’s hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I just want you all to be grateful and love while you can. Try your best not to doubt and try even harder to believe. It’s a blessing to be here believe it or not. I’m telling myself this and anyone that may read this. You’re appreciated by someone somewhere and you’re going to find and understand your purpose.

Grow, sunflower.™️

🌱

Advertisements
2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries! · Uncategorized

dreams & hope.

We all have dreams, don’t we? We all wish for something, right? Do we all…hope? I don’t know. I’m just lying here wondering. I dream. I dream for peace… peace inside my mind. I dream for others to have peace. I sound like a cliché. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! I know. Honestly, that’s what goes on in my mind. I know my mind will never rest, but I can only hope that it does, right? We live in a divided world right now and it’s TERRIFYING. Though, I try my hardest not to think about it, we all know that can’t be ignored.

Anyway, we all want some form of peace in our lives right? I’m gonna say something that I’m not even sure I will listen to, but here goes… wanting peace HAS to start within yourself. When we’re as divided as we are right now, we have to look deep inside ourselves and figure out WHY. What bothers us? It’s hard to face it and what’s to come after may not be the brightest of days. Something deep inside of me just hopes that it’s worth it though. You understanding me yet? I’m hoping once we acknowledge what’s going on inside ourselves and our personal lives MAYBE afterwards we can work towards coming together instead of separating further and further apart.

It’s scary to live in a place where a majority of its people are filled with hate. It’s scary to be scared. Fear gets us nowhere, I know. Just think about it for a second would you rather be comfortable or take risks? Comfortable means you could be safe and around people with less hate inside of them OR you could do the things you want and travel to the places you’d like to go, but there are more hateful individuals. Choosing the comfortable option isn’t the winning bet simply because you never know the intentions of strangers. You can only hope and trust your instincts. Either way there are good and bad people everywhere. Everyone’s mind and heart can’t be changed to pure happiness and kindness, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for the majority. Everyone has different opinions. The best thing to do is TALK. Talk with each other. Educate each other on the options and beliefs of both parties. Try. People trying is all I’m hoping for.

Look, it’s like two in the morning and I’m not sure how much since I’m making. I’m hoping there’s SOMEONE that gets where I’m going with this. I’m aware that my dream is a REACH, but I feel it. Writing this is terrifying for me. I’m always afraid to share my personal feelings on this topic, but it’s what came to me. I’m hoping. That’s all I’m doing. I’m hoping we come together instead of dividing. I can dream right?

2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries! · Uncategorized

insomnia

What is sleep anymore? I’ve never known. I’ve been a night owl since I was a child. The night is sometimes more kind to me than the day. Then, there are times when it’s the other way around. For the past 5 months all I’ve known is the night. My dark bedroom and the sounds of something meant to be distracting playing on the tv in the background. I lie away thinking. Just thinking. I’m bothered by my fears, my dreams and my constant thoughts. I overthink day in and day out. I think. I worry then I hope. Then the cycle repeats itself. I drift off to sleep around 4 or 5 am. When I awake the cycle begins again only this time it’s morning then the afternoon. I want to know what sleep is without the countless, vivid nightmares that I have. I want know what it’s like to be okay at night. What’s it like to not deal with anxiety? How peaceful is it to not have your own nagging voice bothering you inside you head at night? What is sleep? What is genuine rest? I’m not sure I’ll ever know and after 19 years of dealing with this I’m not sure if I want to…

2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries!

numb.

I’ve gone missing…mentally. I’M not here. I’m not sure who this person I see in the reflection of my mirror is. I’m hurting. I’m silently hurting in a world where things are just so chaotic and the pain of others goes unnoticed every day. So I hurt… silently. I’ve never felt so low in my life. The suicidal thoughts I once had, have nothing on the depression I deal with today. I’m not suicidal. Which I’m grateful for. I’m lost. I don’t know where to find me. I don’t know where I’ve gone. I wish I could find who I’m meant to be or at least find someone. Someone who could understand me and listen even if it’s just for a second. Someone that could see that I’m hurting on the inside. I’m aware of the terrible things that are happening in the world again. I use to hide from the news bc the stories brought me pain. Now, I hide from my feelings and the pain I feel inside me. “I don’t know.” “Nothing.” are my answers to everything now. I spent so much time trying to talk to others about my pain and it’s gone unnoticed. I just feel numb now. I can’t cry, but I physically feel the pain. I lay in the bed all day. I don’t know where my days go. The time just seems to pass by and i don’t even notice. I need HELP or a prayer. SOMETHING. Anything… I’m hurting and I fear that no one cares. I wanted to write and explain all the reasons behind my pain, but I don’t have the energy inside of me. Im hoping that today will be a better day. I’m fighting. I’m fighting extremely hard to be positive and to try. I’ll post another updated post later today. I know that it’s been an on going thing, My challenges with my mental. I’m going to beat this. I won’t have it any other way. I’m growing.

Thanks for reading, lovelies.

2018. · Beauty & Glamour · Personal Entries!

It’s buzzcut season anyway. *big chop ‘18*

Yup, I did it again. 3rd times a charm right? I cut my hair and I love it. I’m pretty set on keeping it short for a couple of years. If you know me then you know when I say I want or will do something then it will happen. Lol. Cutting my hair this time felt ten times better than before. This time was the most random decision ever. It came after dealing with a very dark time in my life and realizing that the hair I spent almost two years growing back was dry and dying. I haven’t taken care of my hair in almost a year. All I would do is install twists and braids in my hair 24/7. Though it was fun getting better at it, I still wasn’t taking care of it completely.

I knew that I needed to let it go and really I wanted to. There’s something about cutting all of my hair off after releasing so much negative energy. It just felt…AMAZING. I feel so confident and free now. I’ve been natural for almost two years now and my short hair looks so beautiful au natural. I smile more. I’ve been afraid to smile for so long now, but I smile more. Now, I’m not saying that cutting my hair fixed my life completely, but it sure did boost a lot of my energy.

I’m going to be able to care for my hair and myself at once again. Holding onto all of that dead hair felt the same as holding onto all of the pain that I once felt. I can smile, breath, and love me again. I want to say that I’ll do an update on my hair, but I’m not sure if it’s needed or not. I’m thinking of cutting it shorter than it is already. I haven’t decided yet, but we will most definitely see.

So, that’s all I wanted to share. Enjoy these screenshots from a snap video that I recorded after cutting my hair. Also, remember to believe in your dreams and keep shining sunflower. 🌻

2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries!

appreciating where you are.

So, my last post wasn’t the most exciting thing ever written, but it was real. I type all of my feelings and I was completely honest with myself. I was honest with any one that may have read it. Since then I’ve been putting myself through some tough times. I cried countless times throughout the day every single day of August. That’s not an exaggeration, it’s definitely the truth. That entire month was a huge opportunity for growth. I was uncomfortable, unhappy, and confused. I faced things that I have ignored my entire life. I placed these things in the back of my mind for years!

Now, I’m not sure how many of you have knowledge on anything that has to do with Astrology and Astronomy. I won’t say much about it. All I will say is Mercury and its retrograde kicked my butt last month! It’s my ruling planet since I am a Virgo. So, I felt every emotion there was to feel. I took that retrograde period as a negative time and that’s what caused so much chaos. I should’ve handled it better, but I gave in. During that time, something in me was forcing me to think about every single hardship and trial I’ve been through. I’ve had my fair share, like we all have.

So, no need to go into detail since I did all of that in my last post. I can just say that after crying my heart out, dealing with every suicidal thought and the countless vivid nightmares… I am healing. I am allowing God and the universe to enter my mind and heal me. I am listening and working with my mind to deal with those past hurts. I am learning. Growing is a tough process. Something I feel many people fail to realize. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not peaches and cream on this side of the tracks yet. In fact, I’m not sure it ever will be. What I do know, is that instead of turning my pain into this huge negative thing… I will try my hardest to find a way to stay zen and work through it. I’ve been taking time to think of different ways to handle negative and positive situations. I want to handle them better and not do what I’m used to.

My final grieving day, August 31st 2018, was a mess. I cried, screamed and slightly trashed my apartment. Yes, I know how crazy it sounds. I was aware as I did it. On that day, I realized how angry I had been in my 22 years of living. I took it out on things I didn’t want and just any item around me really. I’m not ashamed to share this, because we all have our terrible moments. We’re all human. Doing what I did that day wasn’t the best idea, but it helped. It helped me so much. I let it all out. I was able to speak again and share what I felt again. I felt free. Now, I get to acknowledge the pain that’s been inside me and I get to work through it.

I learned a lot about myself, which is something I love to do. I’m grateful for the opportunity to do so. Even if it was a terrifying experience, I believe it was meant to be that way. I know my worth, my likes and dislikes. I’m learning about who I am all over again. It’s a beautiful process. Needless to say, I won’t be screaming and “trashing” things anymore. Now, I’m focused on being more positive than realistic. Some people focus on making happiness their main goal, but I don’t want to do that. I want the experiences good and bad. I want the things that are going to make the person that I was born to be. I’m doing fine now. The dark thoughts are gone and there is some light in this life right now. What am I going to do with it? I’m going to appreciate it.

2018. · Personal Entries!

what led me to be suicidal at one point?

I wanted to kill myself. Once again, I was so close. So close to doing it! I’m slightly angry! Then there are the thoughts of other people that aren’t here today. The people that probably wanted to live and it was ended for them. Yes, I understand that. That’s what’s kept me humble since I was about 12 years old. I’m tired, but I feel so selfish at the same time. I could go into the all the things that bother me, but what good would that do? I don’t want to talk to anyone. Why? I tried that. I have to be broken or something, right? WRONG. I’m perfectly fine. Just fed up with this place. It’s getting worse right before our eyes, and just like any other day, people continue to ignore it. You know about a year ago I was seriously going to do it. I was so determined. I’d spent the entire day thinking of ways to do it. For once, I didn’t think about anything else. Just what would be the most effective way.

I was prevented from going through with it. My anger turned into pain again. I was homeless, alone, and had no idea where I was going. I had no one just like now. Imagine, reaching out for help just for someone to tell you to suck it up or that you’d go to hell if you do it. OR imagine telling someone close to you that you were forced to visit a place for an attempted suicide and being told that “You are crazy in the head”. Imagine not having a chance to mess up your own credit and someone else does it for you and now you’re out there alone with nowhere to live. Nothing behind you to help you and no one to turn to. All you have is a little bit of hope.

I think about God every day. Every single day. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t alone, but I was. I’ve always felt like there has been a guardian in my presence since I was a child. It wasn’t until I got older that I believed it was something spiritual. Every panic attack, every moment that I tried to force myself to eat or feel pain, something was there calming me down. All I’ve wanted was love, but not the kind that people dream of daily. I wanted genuine love from family and friends. I wanted to be appreciated. I didn’t want to be abused mentally and physically. I didn’t want to be taken advantage of or bullied 24/7 for the DUMBEST reasons. I’ve spent my entire life fighting those terrible thoughts since they entered my head at the age of 11.

I’ve fought back every time up until last year in 2017. When it all went downhill. Now, its 2018 and it’s been a year since that happened and I was so proud of myself. I thought that things were fine. I had a place to live, a job, and people seemed like they cared. So, why do I still feel pain? Why does the pain from my past continue to haunt me? I pray every day for the nightmares to go away. They’re so VIVID! I’ve had nightmares since I was 4 years old. I have a very good memory just in case you’re questioning me. Though I wouldn’t mind sharing those with you, I’ll pass. I’ve felt alone my entire life! I’ve asked for help my entire life! No one has tried. I’m lonely. I’m so alone. All I’ve ever done is care for and stress about those around me. I gave each of them a part of me just to be abandoned. At least, that’s what it feels like. I’m really starting to see how losing my mother at 3 years old really affected me.

Death traumatized me at such a young age. I’ve always feared losing those in my family and those I cared about from that point forward. I witnessed my father arguing with my sister and never understood why. I adored him then, but he was barely there. Then one day he wasn’t there at all. I had my two sisters. I lived with one and the other one I saw a lot then it was barely as we both got older. I felt like any time I was told that I’d see her an excuse came up. I knew she loved me. They both did so much for me and I believed they never had to. So, I was appreciative. There were times when I felt like I really needed them though. So, the sister that i lived with, I knew she loved me, but it always felt like she hated me. I’ve felt like a burden since she decided to take care of me. I didn’t blame her for the how terrible the relationship used to be because I believed that I deserved whatever happened.

The only person I had 24/7 was my Granny (grandmother). She loved me the most. She showed it in everything that she did. I’ve never experienced a love like that since she left this world. To be honest, I’ll probably never experience it again. I had friends, but they weren’t good for me. I had a poor choice when it came to befriending others. I don’t blame that on anyone. I don’t blame any of my mistakes on anyone but myself. I’m not perfect. Even at a young age, I understood that my sisters and father had their own lives. They had their own things to deal with back then. So, I thought that keeping what I felt inside was the best choice.

I spent a lot of time by myself when I could. I was always called shy when I didn’t want to talk to anyone when that was never the case. It was so frustrating. I never talked because I didn’t know what to talk about. All I ever knew was the pain that I felt every day, and I didn’t know how to comprehend it back then. I didn’t know that me hyperventilating multiple times throughout the day was me having panic attacks. Or, me crying for hours throughout the day or trying to eat my feelings was depression. I was 11 when all of this started. I got tired of seeing those I loved being abused by those that I trusted. Try to understand being so young and not knowing any other way to express your feelings. I know many people have. Some just have no clue how to express it.

I used to witness all of the pain my family members felt, and I always stressed about them. Everything that happened to them affected me too. I was afraid to lose them like I lost my mom. Even as a child, I was afraid of being alone. I used to beg my sister to take me with her. I’d cry and scream, it was embarrassing really. I was called all types of things that meant “crazy”. I didn’t want to be left at home with my angry and abusive brother. He was abusive physically and mentally just like most people around me. When I tried to tell other people it was overlooked. People thought that it was just a sibling thing. After a while, I started to believe that I deserved everything that happened to me. I believed that I didn’t deserve to be loved. I believed that I didn’t deserve people in my life.

To be honest, I’m not sure how I stopped feeling that way, I just did. Ignoring my personal problems and feelings became so easy to do. Being in school all those years was terrible. I was only good at a few subjects. I didn’t have help. I only had people that got frustrated with me for not understanding. I just started to believe that I couldn’t do it. Being bullied and molested didn’t help neither. As I said before, I mastered ignoring all of the pain that I felt. It wasn’t until I was officially on my own that all of that pain came back to haunt me. Sleeping in a car and having nothing to do except think about your life will trigger that. I decided to give up then. That was last year. Then out of nowhere everyone “paid attention”. What people fail to realize is that these things aren’t done for attention. I wasn’t doing it for the attention of anyone else. I was numb and my mind was in such a dark place.

Policemen stopped me bc they were called. I gave up. People were telling me that they cared. I appreciated the person that called. I just wasn’t happy because I didn’t like that I put her through that. Someone took me in and believed in me for once. I got a job and somewhere to stay, but all of that pain still haunted me. Once again, I ignored it. I really thought that I could beat this stupid depression. I blame myself. I give my heart to those around me. I give them my time and attention. When I’m needed I try my best to be there, but I’m never appreciated. I never requested that same love back. I guess fear and pride had something to do with that.

So, here I am today, alone, confused, and sad. I feel tired. I’m tired of the physical health issues that I have. I’m tired of them being taken as a joke. I’m tired of people taking everything that I do as me being dramatic. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling the constant fear of not succeeding soon. I thought that if I had everything needed to be stable that it would erase the pain. That was wrong of me. I blame no one, but myself for all that’s happened to me. Freddy Mercury saved me last night. Sounds funny I’m sure, but I sat there listening to all the songs that I loved. The music helped…Queen’s music helped and I’m not sure why. Music is so beautiful to me. I’m so in love with it. All the emotional beauty that’s in every song. It’s therapy.

The only things that have been able to calm me through this were books and music. I believe in God. I believe in the universe. I’ve always felt the presence of something spiritual. These things calm me during storms like these. Writing is the only way that I can share this. I’ve always felt like telling someone. Now, I get to share it on this blog that’s pretty much an online journal. What’s going to happen now? I don’t know. I’ve shared so much. I really don’t want the love and attention from anyone right now. That’s not why I’m sharing this. Though, it does help me every time. I’ve always written my feelings down in journals and now I do it here sometimes. I guess I’ve grown tired of hiding all that I’ve felt for so long.

Well, I’ve shared of all of this and still no clue of what the future will be. I feel a little better letting it all out in a way. I’ll keep fighting. I don’t believe in doctors and places like that. I don’t believe in taking medication that numbs things temporarily. So, I’ll try my best to keep fighting. I’ve done it for this long. I don’t believe that I’m mental like someone has tried to tell me. I’m just very hurt and extremely in touch with my emotions. Also, I’m tired of that being taken as sensitive. Better yet I’m tired of sensitive people being overlooked or not taken seriously. Anyway, I’ll keep fighting because I have 5 beautiful children (nieces and nephews) in my life to keep fighting for.  I love them so much. I’ll do it for them. I’ll try to care for myself more as well. That’s all I have to share for now… I know that it was a lot to read. S/o to you if you even made it this far.

Thanks

2018. · Personal Entries!

touched *continued*

I’m sure right now you’re thinking so was everyone, right? Well, I understand that feeling. I felt like that as well. I was 4 years old the first time it happened. I was forced to perform a sexual act on someone. Thankfully, I was called by my grandmother and that person stopped. The second time was at sixteen years old. So, before I explain that here’s a quick story, my father dated a woman that had 3 daughters and a son since I was nine years old. Around the age of fifteen or sixteen, I babysat the children of one of the daughters. I did it almost every other weekend just to get away from home. I didn’t want to be alone then so that’s where all my time would go. I loved those kids lol even when they were tough at times. Anyway, let’s get straight to it right?

Well, I was babysitting like I would any other weekend. The daughters’ cousin and brother were staying with her that weekend. It was my first time meeting the cousin and I thought nothing of it. He was 26 then if I recall correctly, about the same age as my brother. Anyway, the daughter, brother, and cousin went out that night and I watched the kids. The kids and I went to sleep later that night. I woke up on the couch around 4 in the morning to find the cousin staring at me from a chair he was sitting in. I’m sure you know that I was extremely uncomfortable and terrified. I woke up and immediately got on my cell phone to seem like I wasn’t trying to watch his every move around me.

He came and sat on the couch next to me. He began to show all the signs of a pedophile that I learned about as a child. Asking for me to touch his hair and “play” in it. Of course, I said NO. He then began to touch me everywhere on my body. Ugh, Just typing that was terrible. Long story short, he put his hands, fingers and, feet (yes feet) in places that I don’t want to expose. I was terrified and afraid to fight back in fear of being beaten like I’ve seen before. At this moment, I’m terrified to continue writing this. I will continue because I know that I can no longer hold this in. I lay there saying NO as he continued to do what he did. It was awful and it felt like it took forever for him to get that I REPEATEDLY said NO. He then got mad and walked out. The daughter wasn’t there at that time so I sent her a text of everything that he did.

I’m still confused as to why she would call him basically going off on him while he was still somewhere on the same property as me. He came back in and questioned why I would tell anyone and I just sat there in fear. He left and who knows or cares where he went? By the time all of that was over it was about 5:30 in the morning. I called my best friend who I wasn’t talking to at the time and though she probably did care, it wasn’t shown much. The daughter came home around noon and asked if I wanted to go home. I said not yet. I’m sure you’re wondering why. Back then home life wasn’t that great and I didn’t want to face them when I didn’t know if I would say anything or not. I went home around 3 that day and went straight to my room.

I told about two other people and they suggested that I tell someone. Also, around that time I had been dating this guy for about two years. I called and told him what happened and he blamed me. He blamed me.  To keep this short, I pretty much decided to not tell anyone else after that. It was torture for years. I allowed it to affect a lot of things in my life. I pretty much tried to continue to babysit for her for a little while, but after a specific weekend, I couldn’t do it. I went to Mississippi with the daughter, her sisters, and her children one weekend. I was not welcomed. One woman in their family questioned why I was there. She talked badly about me and so did the others. I felt so uncomfortable. I don’t remember how, but after that, she pretty much curved me and didn’t need me to babysit anymore. Honestly, I was glad.

Fast forward to when I’m about nineteen or twenty, the daughter requested me as a friend on a social media site. I thought I would be fine so I accepted. I was wrong. I would see posts of their family, my molester, and his mothers pictures on my timeline. I think not. It took time to get over. I would just ignore it. I should’ve just unfriended her right? I know. Fast forward to the present, I’m going to be 23 next week and I’ve kept this a secret for so long. I’m WAY stronger now. Also, because of all the paranoia I am super on guard and prepared for any ill intentions. Up until a month ago, I decided to stop torturing myself with these terrible things that happened to me. I put this post in my drafts back in January of this year. So, if you’re reading this now I probably had the guts to put it out there. Also, if anyone feels the need to tell me to take this down… I most likely won’t listen to you. I won’t be silenced any longer. The ABSOLUTE LAST thing that I want is attention or sympathy.

You see, writing is therapeutic for me. This blog is my journal. It’s where a majority of my personal feelings go. I share how I feel this way and I get to share it with others when I feel like I can’t speak these things. After a post, I feel free. I don’t feel attached to what bothers me any longer. So, can you imagine how I feel now? DAMN, GOOD. I feel brave and I’m proud of myself. So, moving on… I hope that someone feels the same one day. Don’t let other peoples opinions keep you quiet. Yes, most will say “Oh, she just wants attention.”, “She’s lying.” or “She brought it on herself.” PLEASE ignore them. You’re better than the pain from your past and present. With all of this being said I’m done with this.

Goodnight

2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries!

heartbroken.

Help me.

It hurts.

I don’t want to deal with this a second time.

It’s never fun for me.

The constant pain that I’ll feel daily.

I can feel the pain in my chest each time the thought of you crosses my mind.

My heart hurts.

My trust is lost.

I don’t look forward to the sleepless nights that will soon appear.

Or the long lasting migraines from beating the tears.

It physically hurts me to know that our love has disappeared.

I’m disappointed in your actions and I feel so betrayed.

I just wish that someone would make this pain go away.

I just want someone to tell me that I’ll be okay.

Help…

2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries!

I’m growing.

As I lay here, all I can think about is…What am I doing in life right now that’s productive and what am I doing that’s not so productive? I’m aging. No, I’m not old. Yes, to others I’m still young or a “baby”, but I don’t see it that way. I feel as though I should have accomplished so much right now or at least be close to doing so. I can’t help but think about all of the other lost souls out there that feel just as low as I do sometimes. I know that I’m blessed ( YES, I believe in many things if you’re wondering), I know that I have God by my side and that this is all a test. It’s just when I get into these feelings of mine it’s hard to come out of sometimes.

When I first started blogging, I had no problem posting what I felt. As time went on I became afraid to share my feelings at all. I thought no one would want to read this. No one can relate to this. I decided that I wouldn’t post at all. I kept trying to think of more positive and upbeat things to think about. I couldn’t find any. It wasn’t in me. I would’ve been lying to myself if I posted anything that was about something other than what I felt. Then, this year came (2018), and people started to open up more about what they felt and have been through. People were more accepting than judgmental. At least, that’s the way it seemed to me, but by then I was too afraid to share how I really felt. I tried to ignore my feelings. I tried thinking of more positive things and live a life where I lied to myself each day. I would hide how I truly felt from everyone including myself. I thought that being around friends and going out all the time would help, but it’s NOT ME. I can only be around friends for a limited amount of time sometimes. I’ve always been that person that’s very “to myself” I guess. I don’t like to socialize much, but when I do there a no issues. It’s just that I really enjoy the time to myself the most. I get to learn about who i am and reflect on things. I get to grow. Well, the problem that constantly occurred every year. I dealt with everyone else’s problems more than my own. There’s no problem doing that, but all the time is a no go. It took a toll on me. I was never able to fully focus on what I needed to.

Eventually, I became fed up. I finally realized that I needed to stop. So I would take some time and I would use it to be to myself. I decided to stop forcing myself to do things that made me uncomfortable. I stopped doing things that always held me back from growing. I was deciding to be “selfish” in a way. Sometimes I need to recharge and regather my thoughts and a lot of people didn’t understand that. I let go of a lot of people that tried to talk down on me for caring about myself and working on myself rather than doing that for them. I’ve felt like I’ve had others responsibilities and problems on my shoulders all my life. Although, I love these people with everything in me, I never had the chance to care for myself. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. I feel like I’m in a transitioning period right now. I’m dealing with things that I’ve ignored and hidden from myself and others. I’m taking a break from people that I love so much, but aren’t right for me at the moment. I pray for their happiness and wish them well everyday, but right now I’m learning about myself. I’m growing.

Lately, it hasn’t been easy because I’ve hit a road block. I’ve spent my time not being so productive and not being so happy or positive. I think that comes with the growth process. I don’t do the things that I need to do and then I beat myself up about it. Where is the healthy part in any of that? I know that it’s not the right thing to do, but I’ve been so down lately. Then to know that two of my favorite people that help me in such a humongous way are dealing with dark issues and pasts also it sucks. One was Jahseh Onfroy (X) and now Demi Lovato. With him being gone and her dealing with her addiction. It breaks my heart. I know that I can’t rely on them to bring me happiness, but they encouraged me so much. They’re human.

I realize that I can’t worry too much about them. I realized that I was focusing on everything else and not the things that mattered. I was supposed to take this time to learn and grow. I’m realizing that’s all a part of the process. Anyway, I have to get it together. I’ll keep X & Demi in my heart and put God first through this all. He’s who I need to believe in right now. I didn’t plan on writing this, because I felt like no one would care, but I care. I know a lot of people that don’t believe in depression and ignore mental health all together. I can’t stop them from lying to themselves and I have to stop letting them affect me. I’m dealing with a lot of issues that I have hidden for so long. Being abused, bullied, molested. Just every day ISSUES that society ignores. I’m dealing with it. I can’t and won’t let it get the best of me. Right now it’s kind of dark, but one day I’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in speaking things into existence and working hard towards them. So that’s what I’ll do. I know that soon I’ll be an amazing Real Estate Agent and later on down the road a Broker/Real Estate investor. Believe in your GOALS.

Two of my favorite songs are by Florence & the machine. The Dog Days are Over & Shake it Out. My favorite to listen to during times like this is Shake it Out. The line “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” It’s so beautiful. I believe in that wholeheartedly. It is something that keeps me going everyday. The Dog Days are Over is so beautiful to me because when I’m feeling this way, I know that I’ll live and breath those beautiful words in that song someday. I used to be afraid to share anything. I thought that I’d be looked at as “weak”. The thing is I don’t care what anyone thinks. I know that I’m not weak. I’m actually pretty strong and I’m gonna beat this!

2018. · Enlightenment · Personal Entries!

their pain. their anger.

Remember who you are!

Don’t let them win!

*my thoughts speak to me*

Their anger is not yours.

Their pain isn’t your problem.

They’ll try to make you feel as low as they do.

WIN!

Focus!

You ARE important.

Your goals are important.

Keep going!

They’ll see that you won’t break.

They’ll know that you’re stronger.

Ignore.

Stay focused.

You’ve won.

♥️